It looks like appearance is important to Fergie. It feels like she wants to be, y’know, a "cold drink of water", which is pretty damn generic and palatable, just like the phrase’s namesake beverage. Maybe it’s a little fizzy. Woohoo. Fizzy water. Yay.

I took one look at her - her strategically-bland clothes, her digitally-colored faux-50s hairstyle, and her marketplace-safe pseudo-bondage-style getup - and yeah, it went down pretty smooth, right into the dark corners of my memory’s long-term dumpster. It was like taking a drink of Dr. Pepper - it tasted alright, but I wanted more. She’s a smooth operator, alright. I’m hanging up.